Family Secrets

This is not the kind of post that I'd planned on making but sometimes you reach a point where you just need to vent a little bit. My husband and I have a secret. . . Well not really a secret. Its not that nobody know it's just that we don't really talk about it much, partly because it doesn't come up in conversation much but mostly because it's difficult to talk about. That 'secret' is that we have fertility problems.

It shouldn't really be a secret. It's the kind of thing that is easier when shared with a wider support system. But after 6 years of stress from the same problem sometimes its easier to just not talk about it. It is something that we both have kind of constantly in the back of our minds but sometimes not actively thinking about it is the only way to stay sane. But random events can push it into the forefront. . . seeing kids at the park, pictures of friends with kids on facebook and of course holidays.

My husband and his youngest brother on July 4th (Several years ago)

It's getting close to Father's Day and it's a difficult time for us. There's a variety of things going on here. First of all my husband isn't able to visit with his Dad much and really misses him. Add to that the knowledge that he might not ever be able to have kids of his own and you can understand why he may not be in the mood to hear about the awesome Father's Day gifts you received.

On my side of  things it's obviously a little different. I see the hurt that he feels and that makes me hurt. My husband is quite a bit older than his next oldest sibling so over the time we've been together I've been able to see him with kids and it's adorable. Most people who know him would probably say that he'd a fairly serious person but around kids he is the biggest goofball ever and I wish I could see more of that person.  I see all kinds of awesome ideas for Father's Day gifts and cards and I think about the way he is when I have seen him around kids and feel sad because I think he would be a great Dad . . . And I wish more than anything that I could buy him a Father's Day gift.

Photobooth goofyness at a friends wedding

Right now we have hit the point where we can't move forward without spending an extraordinary amount on treatments. My wonderful husband, who already works a full time job plus on call time, has decided that he needs to start looking for a second job. It seems like no matter how much we save its never enough and just when we start getting momentum in saving we hit some sort of setback such as needing to replace a tire or make some kind of house repair.

I know that he feels like the situation is his fault and therefore his responsibility to fix but it shouldn't be that way. Right now I only work part time. If anyone should be working two jobs its me. I've been trying to find a full time job myself but have problems even finding something I think I qualify for. Almost everything requires previous experience. Even when I found things to apply for I have very rarely even been contacted for an interview let alone hired.

We can both get in a downward spiral by worrying about finding the money to have kids, which leads to if we can't afford treatment will we be able to afford kids, should we even try to afford kids, are we doing the right thing by waiting for this treatment to work or are we wasting time and money we're going to need for other things? And on and on . . . So for now we'll continue to let the problem work in the back of our minds and have a nice Father's Day dinner with my parents. But believe me, as soon as we do figure out kids, there will be the largest Father's day celebration ever at my house.